In business why can’t people just say what they actually mean?

I’m currently sitting on a flight back to LAX from Chicago after a successful business trip. I’m exhausted, trying to relax and have tried everything possible to prevent the Tard sitting next to me from talking to me. Nothing has worked, so my last resort is putting in my headphones to my iPod and pulling out my laptop in the hopes that it will finally shut him up and direct his foul breath in another direction. I know the economy is in the toilet but if the airlines want to improve the experience of their first class passengers they should considered dropping the moist towels and warm chocolate chip cookies in favor of shots of wintergreen Listerine and clinical strength Rightguard.

As I sit here, I can’t stop thinking about all the ridiculous clichés that are used so frequently in business. Unless you just fell off a turnip truck or possibly one taco short of a combination plate, you know exactly what I am talking about and how annoying it can be. There are times when some of them can be useful because they give you precise words to describe things that would be difficult to communicate otherwise. On the other hand, the large majority of clichés exist for one reason: to hide the truth. Most of the time we are lying, confusing or just plain avoiding the issues or questions being asked. During a meeting, it can be extremely difficult to keep the interest and attention of your clients but it doesn’t make you sound more intelligent to use some inappropriate maxim that has no actual relevance to the topic.

This rant is most likely going to get some of you all bent out of shape and your panties in a wad but I really don’t give a crap! You’re probably sitting there thinking don’t throw rocks if you live in a glass house but the only glass my house has are some suitably placed windows that are used when necessary! Maybe it’s time you think outside of the box and realize that the overuse of clichés has reached epidemic proportions! I know with most of you, I’m just beating a dead horse but I don’t care because I have an axe to grind!

Excessive use of clichés is NOT a win-win situation; you just end up sounding like a babbling imbecile! One of my least favorite phrases is “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. I don’t give a rat’s ass about grass…or it being greener! If you’re going to take another job it better be for more money, better perks and benefits, and less stress! And maybe if you gave your current job 110% you would get some of the low hanging fruit and be rolling in the dough!

Here are my bottom 5 most despised clichés:

1. Patience is a virtue: No its not! Isn’t that ass backwards? It’s being passive and waiting around for something to happen instead of actually getting off your lazy ass and MAKING it happen! Maybe you should stop putting off until tomorrow what you can do today or keep your nose to the grindstone. Just be careful not to get too close or you will have bloody mess and need a plastic surgeon to perform an emergency rhinoplasty.  
2. Bang for your buck: If you really want ‘bang” for your buck you shouldn’t be in a sales meeting with clients. You should be at the Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas negotiating the price of a full nude lap dance with Cherri the exotic dancer.
3. All the bells and whistle: The only time I’m going to want bells and whistles is if I am organizing a marching band for Mardi Gras or if I need to get someone’s attention because I fell to the bottom of a deep well.
4. The whole kit and caboodle. Who the hell are these guys…and why do I want them thrown in the package if it is going to cost more money?
5. Looking for a needle in a haystack. Ok, I admit it would be very difficult to find a needle in a haystack…but who on earth has ever tried? How about saying something original like “Looking for an intelligent, beautiful woman in Los Angeles who hates shopping and enjoys sex multiple times per day.”

Don’t misinterpret what I am saying. Occasionally, there is a time and place for clichés. I have some favorites that I insert almost every opportunity I get and they usually seem to include animals for some reason. It never gets old saying “putting lipstick on a pig” referring to the “800 pound gorilla” and anything that involves “a pink elephant”. However, you will never catch me saying “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” because I don’t know who the hell the gander is!  Lastly, I’m not blowing smoke up your ass when I say my favorite cliché of all time is “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” The only part I don’t get is…isn’t it enough that I know I’m going to hell…why does it have to be in a hand basket?