“I CAN’T MAKE IT IN TO WORK TODAY!”
“I can’t make it in to work today!”
I have heard every imaginable excuse over the years as to why an employee can’t make it in to work. Some are so outrageous that I have contemplated indexing them and making some kind of reference book with a scoring system for originality, creativity, believability and pure stupidity. Others are just so predictable and unoriginal that I should really consider firing them for their lack of effort and imagination. Despite the vast number of stories, I have yet to be extremely impressed with a really magnificent excuse. They all have pretty much sucked!
Most of the excuses I hear seem to be delivered with a very small grain of truth… mixed in with a heaping buttload of crap. Kind of like telling your wife you’re going to Vegas for the weekend…for a business convention during the day, and at night you’ll be with your bible study group doing some outreach work, and if there is any time left over you’ll cap off the evening by volunteering at a homeless shelter. When in reality, your little weekend jaunt will consist of a bachelor party (with strippers), Ruffies, Jagermeister, gambling and possibly end with a tiger in your $4200-a-night high-rollers suite at Caesars Palace. Oh, and by the way, if your wife asks, tigers love pepper… they hate cinnamon.
If I have to hear “my stomach hurts” or “I have a doctors appointment that I forgot to tell you about” or “I took some Viagra last night and the effects have yet to wear off” one more time, I may punch somebody in the face. Just once, can I get a “I’m not going to be able to make it in to work today because I am actually an undercover operative for the CIA and this job is just my cover. This morning I actually got a call from Jack Bauer and we will be working a secret mission to protect the President from a little known gay terrorist sect of United Arab Emirates who are planning an assassination attempt if our country doesn’t provide funding to build a 30,000 foot high solid gold replica of the King of Pop in downtown Dubai.” I know that could never happen because their sleep deprivation coupled with a tremendous throbbing headache from the previous nights’ activities make it impossible to come up with anything plausible, convincing or at the very least, entertaining.
I think there needs to be a new policy for unauthorized time off requests to reduce the amount of verbal garbage we are continuously subjected to by employees. I propose, in addition to the standard sick, vacation, personal and holiday paid days off, there should be an additional category for unpaid days off. Call them “slacker days”, or “hangover days”, but every employer should give their employees 2 unpaid days off per year with no excuse necessary. The only thing required would be a courtesy call, text, IM, BBM, email, voicemail, Facebook Post or carrier pigeon with a note tied to its leg stating that they would not be coming in.
I’m sure this would eliminate a lot of wasted time spent trying to concoct yet another ridiculous excuse that they will attempt to convince themselves is actually believable. And more importantly, I would not be left feeling like I did the same day I was told that there really wasn’t an obese, creepy old man (whom I had never met but just so happened to know if I had been naughty or nice) who, magically transported by flying animals and connected to a giant metal sled, would land on the roof of my house without making a noise and squeeze his fat ass down the tiny opening of my chimney to leave me presents!