I Don’t Want to Hear Any More Apologies!
Oftentimes in our personal lives we demand apologies we don’t deserve and refuse to be satisfied when they’re delivered without sufficient groveling. However, in business an apology seems to consist of a partial admission that something said or done was inappropriate and then followed with some sort of excuse for it. In my experience the workplace apology is almost never genuine or heartfelt. It’s more like an employee requirement; an attempt to pacify their boss. The actual definition of an apology is “a written or spoken expression of one’s regret or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured or wronged another”. That sounds good on paper, but unfortunately the reality is most employees only offer up “unpologies.” These are bogus apologies disguised by expressing obligatory words of remorse, but devoid of any actual regret, contrition, or admission of guilt. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the same uninspired drivel politician’s offer up when they get caught snorting lines off a transvestite hooker in a New York hotel suite.
The “unpology” has become part of today’s business culture, and the only thing worse are the excuses that precede them. My mornings usually start with some unimaginative tale for coming in late. They’re always about the same with a few slight deviations: “I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.” “The line at Starbucks was too long because some ‘tard ordered a regular coffee and the barista’s pea brain couldn’t handle the simplicity of the order”, or one of my personal favorites: “My dog had a headache so I had to give him some aspirin and rub his temples.” After I get through their ridiculous explanations, the apologies start to flow like a Jay-Z lyric.
I’ve heard so many that I’ve recently decided to group them into 5 major categories:
1) The boomerang: “I’m sorry YOU feel that way.”
2) The defense: “I’m sorry, BUT there’s a really good reason…”
3) The confusion ~ “I’m sorry, you must’ve misheard me…”
4) The blame ~ “I’m sorry but you know it’s not MY fault.”
And of course, the old standby:
5) The accident ~ “I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again.”
Funny thing is, employees who normally give the most creative apologies are the ones that pull the same BS over and over again! It’s probably because they have had the most amount of practice. Don’t they know that there’s no sincerity in apologizing for something and then doing it again the next day or the next week? I know that you’re not really sorry and you ARE going to do it again! I’m so sick and tired of employees defending themselves and trying to justify their inappropriate and lazy behavior. It’s like Mel Gibson apologizing every time he makes an anti-Semitic remark. He’s not sorry…he really does hate Jews.
It’s nearly impossible to pull off a truly sincere apology. Even Tiger Woods with all his money and fame took three months to calculate a strategy. He scheduled a press conference at a location where he felt comfortable, filled the seats with family, friends and selected members of the press, had his publicist write a 15 minute speech, chose the perfect camera angles and was able to make his eyes swell and conjure up tiny little tiger tears. It didn’t work! Guess what? Your dumbass apology isn’t going to work either. He wasn’t sorry, and neither are you! So, the next time you’re thinking about apologizing after another one of your shenanigans or indiscretions, do me a favor and don’t! Save your pathetic request for forgiveness for your spouse or your kids or someone who actually pretends to believe your moronic babble. And please don’t come in my office with your sad little face and pretend you’re really ashamed of your actions because I’m not going to fall for it. How about instead of apologizing for the 400th time, you try this novel approach: JUST DON’T DO IT AGAIN!
And to the people who are reading this and find it highly offensive, “I apologize”…Well, maybe not!