Apparently Job Interviewing Has Dramatically Changed

Apparently, the way in which a job interview is conducted has dramatically changed.

I guess I’m old school, but I remember a time when an interviewee would show up 15 minutes early to fill out an application. Upon arriving, men would be professionally dressed in a suit and tie, hair looking like it actually had been washed within the last week and fingernails that didn’t look like they had just finished cleaning the inside of an Andy Gump outhouse. Women would wear skirts long enough to cover their asses and underwear, have on less makeup then a circus clown, and understood that perfume was meant to be subtle, not make them smell like a cheap Las Vegas hooker. With them, they would bring several typo free copies of their resume, a list of references, a pen and be prepared to have a comprehensible dialog about their career goals.

Obviously, the process has been slightly modified to reflect current social trends. Now, I’m lucky if someone shows up within an hour of their scheduled time, isn’t stoned or intoxicated, doesn’t have some sort of extremely contagious infectious disease and is actually wearing pants!

I’m all for improving old stale business philosophies to enhance the work environment, and have continuously augmented my approach to better relate to the newest generation of the workforce. I would consider my interviewing strategy innovative with an unparalleled ability to assess someone’s qualifications and personality to determine if they would be a good addition to our staff. I am extremely adept at detecting BS. I can glance at a resume and within seconds identify where an applicant has exaggerated the truth, bent the truth, or just completely fabricated an accomplishment or skill in a feeble attempt to make their worthless employment history seem more impressive. Additionally, I can read body language, evaluate personal hygiene and measure social skills in an instant. But most importantly, I ask really intelligent and thought provoking questions that I have continued to refine and improve over the years. Unavoidably, I still ask some of the following “standard” questions to see if a prospective employee has at least minimally prepared some stock answers:

1. Why should we hire you?
2. What is your greatest strength/weakness?
3. How much money do you need to make to be happy?
4. What accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction in your life?
5. Why did you choose this career?
6. How much does an eighth of Indica cost at a medical marijuana dispensary?

Clearly, those questions have become completely irrelevant and archaic. Well, except for #6! By the way, I no longer ask “Tell me something about yourself that is not on your resume.” That, I had to learn the hard way. I had one guy tell me that he had irritable bowel syndrome and he would occasionally relieve himself in his pants. But the clincher was when some freak told me he enjoyed fantasizing about the beautiful bodies of young women and had an extensive photo collection of them on his home computer. And before you ask, I didn’t hire either one of them.  But I did forward the resume of the kiddy porn guy to the authorities…

I think it’s time for me update the process, shelve my interview questions and strategy, and start from scratch. How was I to know that it is now appropriate to ask someone if their mother was a prostitute or if they thought masturbating on an airplane was illegal?

The following is a new top 12 list of interview questions that I feel are more appropriate for 2010.

1. What is your favorite illegal prescription drug to use during working hours and why?
2. When considering a new job opportunity, does the company’s smoking policy and number of daily approved smoke breaks weigh heavily in your decision?
3. Do you ever find yourself loudly humming or singing along to show tunes, country music or movie themes while daydreaming at your desk?
4. What is your cocktail of choice, and how early in the day do you start consuming them?
5. How many pets do you own that you predict dying or needing constant medical attention that will cause you to take numerous personal days?
6. How many times a week do you bathe, and do you think dousing yourself with cologne or perfume is an acceptable substitute for it?
7. When you eat or drink, do you make chewing or slurping noises that could cause a nearby co-worker to inflict bodily injury to you?
8. While at work, how many hours of the day do you spend on the internet looking at porn, updating your Facebook account, streaming music, shopping, gambling and reading celebrity gossip?
9. How do you feel about using breath mints and deodorant on a regular basis?

10.  If you were shrunk to the height of a peanut and then thrown into an empty glass blender with the blades starting to move in 30 seconds… what would you do?

11.  Has normal job stress caused you to be medicated, institutionalized or incarcerated within the last 12 months?

12.  Is your mother a prostitute?…Okay, that may not be an original, but I think it’s absolutely brilliant and cant wait to use it!

The hardest part is going to be getting these questions approved by my HR department, but I’m pretty sure this will improve the process and reduce the number of bad hires. My only concern is that this line of questioning will lead to disturbing revelations about current social norms. I want to go back to a time when the worst thing I knew about an employee was that they were stealing post-its, making calls to their bookie on company time, occasionally coming in late on a Monday morning due to a severe hangover, regularly banging their supervisor in his office on their lunch breaks and frequently enjoying a two martini breakfast. Is that too much to ask?  Probably.  In the meantime, I will sadly continue to base my hiring decisions on the amount of pedophilia and crapping your pants one deems acceptable in the workplace.