Apparently, the way in which a job interview is conducted has dramatically changed.

I guess I’m old school, but I remember a time when an interviewee would show up 15 minutes early to fill out an application. Upon arriving, men would be professionally dressed in a suit and tie, hair looking like it actually had been washed within the last week and fingernails that didn’t look like they had just finished cleaning the inside of an Andy Gump outhouse. Women would wear skirts long enough to cover their asses and underwear, have on less makeup then a circus clown, and understood that perfume was meant to be subtle, not make them smell like a cheap Las Vegas hooker. With them, they would bring several typo free copies of their resume, a list of references, a pen and be prepared to have a comprehensible dialog about their career goals.

Obviously, the process has been slightly modified to reflect current social trends. Now, I’m lucky if someone shows up within an hour of their scheduled time, isn’t stoned or intoxicated, doesn’t have some sort of extremely contagious infectious disease and is actually wearing pants!

I’m all for improving old stale business philosophies to enhance the work environment, and have continuously augmented my approach to better relate to the newest generation of the workforce. I would consider my interviewing strategy innovative with an unparalleled ability to assess someone’s qualifications and personality to determine if they would be a good addition to our staff. I am extremely adept at detecting BS. I can glance at a resume and within seconds identify where an applicant has exaggerated the truth, bent the truth, or just completely fabricated an accomplishment or skill in a feeble attempt to make their worthless employment history seem more impressive. Additionally, I can read body language, evaluate personal hygiene and measure social skills in an instant. But most importantly, I ask really intelligent and thought provoking questions that I have continued to refine and improve over the years. Unavoidably, I still ask some of the following “standard” questions to see if a prospective employee has at least minimally prepared some stock answers:

1. Why should we hire you?
2. What is your greatest strength/weakness?
3. How much money do you need to make to be happy?
4. What accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction in your life?
5. Why did you choose this career?
6. How much does an eighth of Indica cost at a medical marijuana dispensary?

Clearly, those questions have become completely irrelevant and archaic. Well, except for #6! By the way, I no longer ask “Tell me something about yourself that is not on your resume.” That, I had to learn the hard way. I had one guy tell me that he had irritable bowel syndrome and he would occasionally relieve himself in his pants. But the clincher was when some freak told me he enjoyed fantasizing about the beautiful bodies of young women and had an extensive photo collection of them on his home computer. And before you ask, I didn’t hire either one of them.  But I did forward the resume of the kiddy porn guy to the authorities…

I think it’s time for me update the process, shelve my interview questions and strategy, and start from scratch. How was I to know that it is now appropriate to ask someone if their mother was a prostitute or if they thought masturbating on an airplane was illegal?

The following is a new top 12 list of interview questions that I feel are more appropriate for 2010.

1. What is your favorite illegal prescription drug to use during working hours and why?
2. When considering a new job opportunity, does the company’s smoking policy and number of daily approved smoke breaks weigh heavily in your decision?
3. Do you ever find yourself loudly humming or singing along to show tunes, country music or movie themes while daydreaming at your desk?
4. What is your cocktail of choice, and how early in the day do you start consuming them?
5. How many pets do you own that you predict dying or needing constant medical attention that will cause you to take numerous personal days?
6. How many times a week do you bathe, and do you think dousing yourself with cologne or perfume is an acceptable substitute for it?
7. When you eat or drink, do you make chewing or slurping noises that could cause a nearby co-worker to inflict bodily injury to you?
8. While at work, how many hours of the day do you spend on the internet looking at porn, updating your Facebook account, streaming music, shopping, gambling and reading celebrity gossip?
9. How do you feel about using breath mints and deodorant on a regular basis?

10.  If you were shrunk to the height of a peanut and then thrown into an empty glass blender with the blades starting to move in 30 seconds… what would you do?

11.  Has normal job stress caused you to be medicated, institutionalized or incarcerated within the last 12 months?

12.  Is your mother a prostitute?…Okay, that may not be an original, but I think it’s absolutely brilliant and cant wait to use it!

The hardest part is going to be getting these questions approved by my HR department, but I’m pretty sure this will improve the process and reduce the number of bad hires. My only concern is that this line of questioning will lead to disturbing revelations about current social norms. I want to go back to a time when the worst thing I knew about an employee was that they were stealing post-its, making calls to their bookie on company time, occasionally coming in late on a Monday morning due to a severe hangover, regularly banging their supervisor in his office on their lunch breaks and frequently enjoying a two martini breakfast. Is that too much to ask?  Probably.  In the meantime, I will sadly continue to base my hiring decisions on the amount of pedophilia and crapping your pants one deems acceptable in the workplace.

I’m currently sitting on a flight back to LAX from Chicago after a successful business trip. I’m exhausted, trying to relax and have tried everything possible to prevent the Tard sitting next to me from talking to me. Nothing has worked, so my last resort is putting in my headphones to my iPod and pulling out my laptop in the hopes that it will finally shut him up and direct his foul breath in another direction. I know the economy is in the toilet but if the airlines want to improve the experience of their first class passengers they should considered dropping the moist towels and warm chocolate chip cookies in favor of shots of wintergreen Listerine and clinical strength Rightguard.

As I sit here, I can’t stop thinking about all the ridiculous clichés that are used so frequently in business. Unless you just fell off a turnip truck or possibly one taco short of a combination plate, you know exactly what I am talking about and how annoying it can be. There are times when some of them can be useful because they give you precise words to describe things that would be difficult to communicate otherwise. On the other hand, the large majority of clichés exist for one reason: to hide the truth. Most of the time we are lying, confusing or just plain avoiding the issues or questions being asked. During a meeting, it can be extremely difficult to keep the interest and attention of your clients but it doesn’t make you sound more intelligent to use some inappropriate maxim that has no actual relevance to the topic.

This rant is most likely going to get some of you all bent out of shape and your panties in a wad but I really don’t give a crap! You’re probably sitting there thinking don’t throw rocks if you live in a glass house but the only glass my house has are some suitably placed windows that are used when necessary! Maybe it’s time you think outside of the box and realize that the overuse of clichés has reached epidemic proportions! I know with most of you, I’m just beating a dead horse but I don’t care because I have an axe to grind!

Excessive use of clichés is NOT a win-win situation; you just end up sounding like a babbling imbecile! One of my least favorite phrases is “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. I don’t give a rat’s ass about grass…or it being greener! If you’re going to take another job it better be for more money, better perks and benefits, and less stress! And maybe if you gave your current job 110% you would get some of the low hanging fruit and be rolling in the dough!

Here are my bottom 5 most despised clichés:

1. Patience is a virtue: No its not! Isn’t that ass backwards? It’s being passive and waiting around for something to happen instead of actually getting off your lazy ass and MAKING it happen! Maybe you should stop putting off until tomorrow what you can do today or keep your nose to the grindstone. Just be careful not to get too close or you will have bloody mess and need a plastic surgeon to perform an emergency rhinoplasty.  
2. Bang for your buck: If you really want ‘bang” for your buck you shouldn’t be in a sales meeting with clients. You should be at the Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas negotiating the price of a full nude lap dance with Cherri the exotic dancer.
3. All the bells and whistle: The only time I’m going to want bells and whistles is if I am organizing a marching band for Mardi Gras or if I need to get someone’s attention because I fell to the bottom of a deep well.
4. The whole kit and caboodle. Who the hell are these guys…and why do I want them thrown in the package if it is going to cost more money?
5. Looking for a needle in a haystack. Ok, I admit it would be very difficult to find a needle in a haystack…but who on earth has ever tried? How about saying something original like “Looking for an intelligent, beautiful woman in Los Angeles who hates shopping and enjoys sex multiple times per day.”

Don’t misinterpret what I am saying. Occasionally, there is a time and place for clichés. I have some favorites that I insert almost every opportunity I get and they usually seem to include animals for some reason. It never gets old saying “putting lipstick on a pig” referring to the “800 pound gorilla” and anything that involves “a pink elephant”. However, you will never catch me saying “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” because I don’t know who the hell the gander is!  Lastly, I’m not blowing smoke up your ass when I say my favorite cliché of all time is “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” The only part I don’t get is…isn’t it enough that I know I’m going to hell…why does it have to be in a hand basket?

When did everyone become so incredibly hyper sensitive? It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even give an employee a stern look, let alone raise my voice without the likelihood of their eyes swelling up and a pathetic salty discharge rolling down their little pink cheek. And as if that isn’t bad enough, the more hilarious part is that it’s usually followed up by a written complaint submitted to HR and ultimately ends with being “unfriended’ by them on Facebook. Boo hoo! Did Baby Boomers raise a generation of emotionally handicapped crybabies or has our society produced a workforce of over medicated, unstable pill poppers? This is business… it’s not personal!

Nowadays, everything in business has to be done so politically correct to prevent the possibility of offending someone. Before I address any group of employees, I now have to ask if anyone will be traumatized by the use of a few derogatory words that may be used to emphasize an important point or topic. Apparently, using occasional four letter words as adjectives can cause an employee to experience overwhelming job stress from being subjected to a hostile work environment. That stress can manifest itself into an anxiety disorder that developed from the psychological abuse and cause them to file for disability and be prescribed medication. I’m not ‘old school’, but the amount of necessary documentation to cover your ass has reached epidemic proportions. Verbal warnings, written warnings, performance evaluations, records of disciplinary actions, exit paperwork…what happened to the good ol’ days when you could actually just fire someone for being an idiot or having a bad attitude?

In addition to being extremely careful when speaking to an employee, even further precautions are necessary when you communicate through any type of written correspondence. I am so sick and tired of using multiple exclamation points, typing words in all caps, and inserting smiley face emoticons in every email I send to an employee in an effort to make sure I don’t inadvertently offend them.  There needs to be font attributes that can actually capture the true essence of the emotion and voice inclination that is attempted to be expressed. No one cares about Bold, Italic or Underlined font characteristics, drop them and give me a version of Word, Outlook, BBM and text that incorporates “Happy”, “Pissed off “,and “Sarcastic” font choices. This would eliminate so many misinterpreted emails, texts and instant messages, and the best part is I would never have to insert another “lol” or “ha ha” again!

The boss’ job is to maximize the performance of all personnel. There is a lot time spent on positive motivation and expressions of appreciation, but occasionally it means disciplining someone for failure to do their job correctly. Your boss is not your parent, your spouse, or your best friend, and there’s going to be times when you do things that are inappropriate for which you’re going to be reprimanded. You’re not always going to agree with him and you may not always like his decisions, but try not to be so grossly emotional. Save your tears, moans and whiny little outbursts for the time your girlfriend dumps you, Fluffy get hits by a car, or The Bachelor picks the wrong girl. And when that happens, do your employer a favor and make sure you are fully stocked up on your illegal prescription of Xanax before coming in to work.

Oftentimes in our personal lives we demand apologies we don’t deserve and refuse to be satisfied when they’re delivered without sufficient groveling. However, in business an apology seems to consist of a partial admission that something said or done was inappropriate and then followed with some sort of excuse for it. In my experience the workplace apology is almost never genuine or heartfelt. It’s more like an employee requirement; an attempt to pacify their boss. The actual definition of an apology is “a written or spoken expression of one’s regret or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured or wronged another”.  That sounds good on paper, but unfortunately the reality is most employees only offer up “unpologies.” These are bogus apologies disguised by expressing obligatory words of remorse, but devoid of any actual regret, contrition, or admission of guilt. You know what I’m talking about.  It’s the same uninspired drivel politician’s offer up when they get caught snorting lines off a transvestite hooker in a New York hotel suite.

The “unpology” has become part of today’s business culture, and the only thing worse are the excuses that precede them. My mornings usually start with some unimaginative tale for coming in late. They’re always about the same with a few slight deviations: “I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.” “The line at Starbucks was too long because some ‘tard ordered a regular coffee and the barista’s pea brain couldn’t handle the simplicity of the order”, or one of my personal favorites: “My dog had a headache so I had to give him some aspirin and rub his temples.” After I get through their ridiculous explanations, the apologies start to flow like a Jay-Z lyric.

I’ve heard so many that I’ve recently decided to group them into 5 major categories:

1) The boomerang: “I’m sorry YOU feel that way.”
2) The defense: “I’m sorry, BUT there’s a really good reason…”
3) The confusion ~ “I’m sorry, you must’ve misheard me…”
4) The blame ~ “I’m sorry but you know it’s not MY fault.”
And of course, the old standby:
5) The accident ~ “I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again.”

Funny thing is, employees who normally give the most creative apologies are the ones that pull the same BS over and over again! It’s probably because they have had the most amount of practice. Don’t they know that there’s no sincerity in apologizing for something and then doing it again the next day or the next week? I know that you’re not really sorry and you ARE going to do it again! I’m so sick and tired of employees defending themselves and trying to justify their inappropriate and lazy behavior. It’s like Mel Gibson apologizing every time he makes an anti-Semitic remark. He’s not sorry…he really does hate Jews.

It’s nearly impossible to pull off a truly sincere apology. Even Tiger Woods with all his money and fame took three months to calculate a strategy. He scheduled a press conference at a location where he felt comfortable, filled the seats with family, friends and selected members of the press, had his publicist write a 15 minute speech, chose the perfect camera angles and was able to make his eyes swell and conjure up tiny little tiger tears. It didn’t work! Guess what? Your dumbass apology isn’t going to work either. He wasn’t sorry, and neither are you! So, the next time you’re thinking about apologizing after another one of your shenanigans or indiscretions, do me a favor and don’t! Save your pathetic request for forgiveness for your spouse or your kids or someone who actually pretends to believe your moronic babble. And please don’t come in my office with your sad little face and pretend you’re really ashamed of your actions because I’m not going to fall for it. How about instead of apologizing for the 400^th time, you try this novel approach: JUST DON’T DO IT AGAIN!

And to the people who are reading this and find it highly offensive, “I apologize”…Well, maybe not!

Most companies seem to have two very distinct and opposing groups of individuals: salespeople and everyone else. There has always been a very deep line in the sand and a clear cut division between these groups. They are two opposing enemies that battle each other for supremacy within the hierarchy of the organizational chart (and most importantly, who gets the best parking spaces). There is an ongoing war that exists between “front end” arrogance and “back end” regulations. The jealousy, resentment, and clash between which group works harder and which group is more valuable seems to rear its ugly head every day. As an executive, witnessing this ongoing conflict is like watching The Bachelor for the first time… excruciating under the best of circumstances.

Here’s the deal: operations, legal, marketing, reception, accounting, purchasing, customer service, IT, human resources, etc…all work for sales! It’s time they start acting like it! You don’t need to be a clinical psychiatrist to recognize salespeople are clearly very “different” from the rest of your employees. I know they have a few small idiosyncrasies that make you occasionally want to remove their vocal chords with a dull butter knife and a pair of needle nose pliers, but they’re the ones who pay your salary! It’s also understandable that the other departments have issues with a few of the insignificant employee policies salespeople are inclined to slightly bend (Including but not limited to: religiously coming in late, taking 3 hour lunch breaks, frequently coming to work drunk, periodically snorting cocaine off the bathroom mirror, and occasionally submitting an expense report that includes $600 for a client dinner at Crazy Girls, to name a few…). Come on, these are all minor details! It’s not like non-sales personnel are “perfect” employees!

Salespeople don’t need more “policemen” telling them what NOT to do. They need more encouragement and guidance allowing them to accomplish larger goals and close more deals. Instead of complaining about the amount of salespeople’s paychecks in comparison to theirs and referring to them as whining sales monkeys, maybe they could do something to actually HELP them. For once, they could stop acting like spoiled children and start acting like team players that support every part of sales process.

I have always enjoyed hiring new salespeople because it represents growth, whereas hiring additional support staff always feels like kicking an invalid in the face: somewhat invigorating, but in most cases unnecessary. Maybe one day, when non-sales personnel recognize that their primary responsibility is behind the scenes SALES support, I will feel differently. Their job is to continually evolve your internal operating systems and processes into structures that empower rather than impede the front line’s success with customers. They need to think of themselves more like fluffers on the set of Tim Burton’s sequel, Edward Penishands…they’re there to assist and improve the performance of the “actors” so that the client gets the best possible product. That being said, I understand that the workplace will never be a cohesive environment where everyone gets along and pulls together for the greater good of the company. But maybe one day the two sides can coexist long enough so that I won’t feel like I’m the mediator of a drunken bitch fight in a Hollywood night club between Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton.

Unfortunately, it’s no longer just frowned upon to force your employees to work 80 hours a week, while paying them for 40. I guess it’s also illegal…thanks a lot OSHA! The good old days are over, and the reality is a very large percentage of the work week is spent NOT working. I have determined, with all the distractions and interruptions, the average employee end ups working approximately 15 hours of a traditional 40 hour week…and that’s on weeks they actually show up to work everyday.

The frustration starts with the plethora of ridiculous excuses for not coming in to work.  Oh, there are a few legitimate reasons I can empathize with:  The occasional Monday morning hangover that feels like your head is about to explode and your intestines are overflowing with a fluid that could not possibly be human. Just the thought of being more than a few feet away from your own toilet could cause an “accident” that would define the rest of your professional career.  To this day, I’m still traumatized by a sales manager who came in to work and “sharted” in his white pants. I can also understand an employee’s kids getting them sick. They are revolting little germ factories that come home from school infected with viruses (some the CDC has yet to even classify) that make the H1N1 flu look like a minor sniffle. On those days, I wish they would do us all a favor and NOT come into the office. All they’re going to do is whine about how sick they are and contaminate the rest of the staff with both the highly contagious lung oysters they’re hacking up, and the disgusting green snot that’s pouring out of their nostrils.

However, on the days your employees actually show up to work, they don’t seem to spend much time actually WORKING! Every morning I get proof of this as I review a phone report from the previous day’s activity. The report is generated from a sophisticated call accounting software program that calculates every imaginable variable, but most importantly, each employees total phone time for the day. The daily average phone time per employee is less than 2 hours (and that of course includes personal calls), and 70% of my staff are inside salespeople that make their living being on the phone! You would think, with all of the recent advancements in technology, employees would be able to work more efficiently and get more done in fewer hours. There are phone systems that dial for you, CRM’s to keep you organized, and every part of the sales process is fully automated… yet still people are way less productive.

The internet is without a doubt the single most important business tool of our generation, but it is also the single biggest distraction in the work place. Googling how to make a bong out of an apple, posting dim-witted comments on friends Facebook accounts, looking up quotes from the movie the Hangover on IMDB, and watching the 400-pound-fat lady with no teeth falling off the table while singing Oops!…I Did it Again on Youtube… may all be entertaining but its not working, it’s jerking off.  Factor in smoke breaks, coffee breaks, lunch breaks, bathroom breaks, walk breaks, personal time breaks and breaks to clear their heads and it’s astonishing that anything ever gets done!

So before your employees miss even more work due to yet another night of being intoxicated or because their little rodent got them sick again, maybe they could consider the following: Not getting so hammered every night so that their immune systems can adequately function, occasionally using some hand sanitizer, and possibly going to sleep before 4 AM on weekdays. And on the days they actually do make it in to work, instead of screwing around all day…actually WORK!  That way, when I sign their paycheck, I don’t feel like I paid a ton of money to sit courtside at a Laker game, and after an amazing first quarter, Kobe Bryant decides to sit out the rest of the game because he is distracted by the bouncing boobs and shiny tops the Lakers girls are wearing.

In my experience, a surefire way to lose your best salesman is to make him a sales manager. It seems odd that would be the case, but unfortunately, it’s the truth. Sales management is one of the most challenging balancing acts in the business world.  Promoting a salesman ensures that they will have a drunken stumble off the tight rope, while at the same time depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Not only do you lose his sales volume, but you also lose the guy every other salesperson admires and strives to emulate. He seems to magically transform overnight into a combination of Bob Slydell from Office Space and Blake from Glengarry Glen Ross: lazy, heartless, and not a shred of compassion.  An annoying egomaniac, who thinks his feces smells reminiscent of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Then, to make matters worse, his idea of what a sales manager should act like is typically based on the movie Boiler Room. My personal favorite is when he starts saying things like, “They say money can’t buy happiness? Look at the F&%*ing smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby!” It’s usually at that moment, I realize that the best use for the extra-strength Drano I have had under my kitchen sink for the past 6 years, would be to pour it down his pie-hole to silence the irritating babble emitting from his orifice.

Selecting a sales manager based on his sales ability alone is a critical mistake that I have frequently repeated. I have yet to see any correlation between one’s ability to sell and one’s ability to recruit, hire, train, educate, motivate and stimulate a sales team. The real problem seems to be that a great salesperson cannot teach traits such as a high tolerance for rejection, or the ability to read body language. Since they acquired these traits through nature and not nurture, they cannot easily transfer them to someone born with thin skin or a huge lack of social awareness. It’s extremely odd that the charisma that builds relationships with clients seems to be lost in translation when building relationships with their salespeople.

Don’t get me wrong, I love these guys. They’re the most fun to hang out with on nights and weekends. If you are going to a party, happy hour, a strip club, a ball game, to smoke a cigar or play poker…these are your “bros”.  But they really shouldn’t be managing anyone. In social situations, they’re the ultimate wingman, and always seem to have the perfect pick-up line.  But in the office, it seems as if every time they open their mouths, it is only to change feet. They mysteriously forget what it was like to be a salesperson, and what they needed from their boss when they were struggling. However, with their promotion and new found free time, they become the best Nerf basketball player in the office, and develop an astonishing read of the break in the carpet… thus enabling them to make unbelievable putts into the coffee cup at the other end of the sales floor.

So, before your next sales manager is selected or promoted, I suggest you use a different set of criteria to determine if he is properly qualified: 1) Taller than 5’8” (to prevent Napoleon complex), 2) Wasn’t previously fired from the Post Office for anger management issues, 3) Thinks it’s inappropriate to ask a female employees to sit on his lap and take notes during a sales meeting, 4) Smokes less than 2 packs of cigarettes a day, 5) Didn’t sue his previous employer for failure to reimburse him for his “9 weeks of vacation” spent in sex rehab and 6) Actually has SOME experience managing people (and no, their kids don’t count). Failure to do this will turn your top producer into an expensive, useless prima donna that will ultimately poison the rest of your sales staff. Even worse, it will leave you feeling like you won a $10,000,000 lottery, but traded the winning ticket for a 50% equity share in a company that makes Tiger Woods bobble-heads… each wearing cute little shirts that say “Family Man”.

“I can’t make it in to work today!”

I have heard every imaginable excuse over the years as to why an employee can’t make it in to work. Some are so outrageous that I have contemplated indexing them and making some kind of reference book with a scoring system for originality, creativity, believability and pure stupidity. Others are just so predictable and unoriginal that I should really consider firing them for their lack of effort and imagination. Despite the vast number of stories, I have yet to be extremely impressed with a really magnificent excuse. They all have pretty much sucked!

Most of the excuses I hear seem to be delivered with a very small grain of truth… mixed in with a heaping buttload of crap. Kind of like telling your wife you’re going to Vegas for the weekend…for a business convention during the day, and at night you’ll be with your bible study group doing some outreach work, and if there is any time left over you’ll cap off the evening by volunteering at a homeless shelter. When in reality, your little weekend jaunt will consist of a bachelor party (with strippers), Ruffies, Jagermeister, gambling and possibly end with a tiger in your $4200-a-night high-rollers suite at Caesars Palace. Oh, and by the way, if your wife asks, tigers love pepper… they hate cinnamon.

If I have to hear “my stomach hurts” or “I have a doctors appointment that I forgot to tell you about” or “I took some Viagra last night and the effects have yet to wear off” one more time, I may punch somebody in the face. Just once, can I get a “I’m not going to be able to make it in to work today because I am actually an undercover operative for the CIA and this job is just my cover. This morning I actually got a call from Jack Bauer and we will be working a secret mission to protect the President from a little known gay terrorist sect of United Arab Emirates who are planning an assassination attempt if our country doesn’t provide funding to build a 30,000 foot high solid gold replica of the King of Pop in downtown Dubai.” I know that could never happen because their sleep deprivation coupled with a tremendous throbbing headache from the previous nights’ activities make it impossible to come up with anything plausible, convincing or at the very least, entertaining.

I think there needs to be a new policy for unauthorized time off requests to reduce the amount of verbal garbage we are continuously subjected to by employees. I propose, in addition to the standard sick, vacation, personal and holiday paid days off, there should be an additional category for unpaid days off. Call them “slacker days”, or “hangover days”, but every employer should give their employees 2 unpaid days off per year with no excuse necessary. The only thing required would be a courtesy call, text, IM, BBM, email, voicemail, Facebook Post or carrier pigeon with a note tied to its leg stating that they would not be coming in.

I’m sure this would eliminate a lot of wasted time spent trying to concoct yet another ridiculous excuse that they will attempt to convince themselves is actually believable. And more importantly, I would not be left feeling like I did the same day I was told that there really wasn’t an obese, creepy old man (whom I had never met but just so happened to know if I had been naughty or nice) who, magically transported by flying animals and connected to a giant metal sled, would land on the roof of my house without making a noise and squeeze his fat ass down the tiny opening of my chimney to leave me presents!

How many times have you heard that from one of your clients? They must really think that salespeople are that moronic! If you were to actually believe that, you probably also believe Elin Woods acted heroically when she smashed out all of the windows on the Escalade with a 9 iron to save Tiger from the near fatal injuries he sustained while gently rolling down his driveway and into a tree while going 3 miles per hour. And by the way, if you really are that gullible, you should also know that your wife has faked it.  You are not the best looking, smartest, or most well-endowed man she has ever been with.  You really don’t look cool wearing your sunglasses inside, you actually look like you are hiding the fact that you recently contracted pink eye.  Oh, and you are not in better shape now than you were in high school.

What makes this lie even more ridiculous is that the only people who even use snail mail anymore are Victoria Secret and bill collectors. It’s 2010 and companies offer a plethora of payments options: E-check, check by fax, Wire, ACH, credit card, Pay-Pal, Western Union, Cash, Las Vegas casino chips, and occasionally courtside Laker tickets and bribes. And if none of those work for them, they can always use a Fed-Ex account to overnight the check at your expense so it can be tracked.

So in the future, anyone considering telling someone “the check is in the mail”…Please don’t! For a change, try something a little more truthful, like: “I don’t have the money right now” or “I want a cheaper price so I’m going to continue to shop around”…or something really refreshing like  “I have no intention of ever paying you!” If you don’t have the balls to do that, at least have the common decency to come up with something a little more creative.  Something like “Over the weekend, my 64 year old accounts payable woman broke her left pinky when attempting to avoid getting trampled by a furious bovine while running with the bulls in Pamplona. She is unable to type or enter any checks right now but her cast should be off in 6 to 8 weeks.” Anything would be better than feeling like I just left the proctologist office after my annual prostate exam and he didn’t have the courtesy of using K-Y or a rubber glove!

Author: Sir Rants-A-Lot

Monday mornings SUCK!

Welcome to my weekly blog. My name is Sir Rants-A-Lot and I have over 20 years of professional sales and marketing experience; have worked for multiple companies from small start-ups to Fortune 500’s in almost every capacity imaginable. I’m currently the Executive Vice President for a direct marketing company and over the years, I have made many fascinating and some not so fascinating observations about the unique environment created within a sales organization that are worth “ranting” and “raving” about!

For example, why does Monday morning always feel like I’m a first time substitute teacher for a 9^th grade class of emotionally handicapped misfits?

For the past 5 years I have held a Monday morning sales meeting at 8:00 AM sharp. My 60 sales people pile into our conference room and wait for the show to begin. They are groggy from the massive amounts of alcohol consumption and weekend partying. If only they could take their caffeine in colossal amounts intravenously instead of the slow ingestion of a Grande triple shot latte from Starbucks the effects might actually be measurable.

The meetings always start with the obligatory small talk about the weekend…their favorite football team lost, Johnny was one win away from the 7 team parlay that would have paid 5 grand, Ricky had too many shots and threw up all over his girlfriend, Bobby got another DUI and will be “out” tomorrow…blah blah blah. Just once, I would love to hear “Hey boss, I re-read the Little Red Book of Sales, it really inspired me and I would love to share my favorite quote.” But then I quickly remember, this is a group of salespeople; money hungry, fast living, egomaniacs that are one small genetic link away from Homo erectus who used fire, cooked meat and made hand axes. My attempts to motivate, stimulate and educate are so mildly received it makes me feel like I am speaking Swahili to a bunch of rabbinical students in Israel. It can be extremely frustrating!  However, I think I finally have a solution to this ongoing problem!

I know this may not sound politically correct and may need approval from my HR department but I would like to bring back the ancient art of Caning that is used widely as a legal form of corporal punishment in Singapore and be allowed to administer shock therapy with battery cables to sleepy-eyed salespeople who just cant get going on Monday mornings…I’m pretty sure that would get their attention and it might make me feel pretty good too!